I wonder if..

When my mental health is not too great I allow my mind time to heal. I no longer beat myself up for not being able to do certain things and I know that, it is okay to not be okay. I know it is okay to take time out and that soon it will pass.

However, when it is physical illness that stops me from doing something, I do beat myself up. I get angry and annoyed with my body. I compare my physical abilities to others and I see myself as weak, not knowing when or if, it will pass.

Of course, this has an affect on my mental health, surprisingly, in the end making it stronger. As though my mind is almost telling my body, it is okay to take time to heal. Only I do not always listen.

Instead, I wonder if, if Anorexia were not there for so long, would my body still have the waves of utter fatigue, the aches that wake me up at night and the hours spent hunched over in pain?

I wonder if the possible long term effects of Anorexia will haunt me forever. If I will always have to take each day as it comes? Anorexia continuing to hold what I could be and do back.

Looking for something to blame, to place fault on. If only this helped, if only blaming Anorexia for what I continue to feel helped.

Can ‘I wonder if’ ever help?

I wonder if, if Anorexia were not there for so long would my mind be as strong as it now is? Would I be this grateful for life that my heart feels completely filled?

I wonder if, if I had not have felt as cold as I once did, would I feel such warmth now? Would I feel truly blessed when the sun shines down on my bare face? Or when I hear the rain hit my window? Would I even notice these little things that enrich my life?

I wonder if, if I had not have lived by Anorexias rules would I know what freedom feels like? Would I appreciate all that surrounds me? Including my body. Would I be able to recognise that although yes, weak at times, my body is strong?

Would I feel as though my body, mind and soul are all working together, as one? And together, strong enough to know, that it is okay to not be okay, to take time to heal and that just like other experiences, this to shall pass.

I wonder if, without the pain I have felt would I be who I am today? The answer is probably not and although yes, without pain I could be out with my family, instead of sitting here writing, gripping a hot water bottle to my stomach and drinking peppermint tea like it is some magical cure. I would not change the latter ‘I wonder ifs’ because I would not change who I am right now.

We all experience pain, whether it be physical or mental. It is important to remember that the happy photographs we see on social media are just a snapshot of someone’s life. Just because they appear to have a perfect, pain free life does not mean they do.

I am rambling again, but I want you to know you are not alone and that although it hurts now, it can make you stronger.

We can not change our experiences but it is our choice how we look at them.

Thank you for reading,

Nicole

If you are worried about an eating disorder or any mental health problem please speak to someone B-eat, Mind.

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One thought on “I wonder if..

  1. […] determined to get back outside with a short run, unfortunately my knee had other ideas. Without beating myself up, I decided to have a quiet morning, sit in the garden and catch up on some […]

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