A little on the personal side, but that’s okay. I see this as my online diary and well I am very aware of the negatives this can have, I am reminded of the importance of sharing. Having an outlet and reading things that are relatable. I love reading bloggers updates and stories, so I guess this is kind of like that.
2015 was one of my most memorable years, I felt so free with a new-found excitement and thirst for life. It’s hard to explain, after so many years struggling to either fight or live with Anorexia, 2015 felt like the beginning of my life again, until I became torn.
You know that feeling of your heart verses your head? I experienced a whole other kind of confusion. The confusion of both my heart and my head wanting the same things but two completely different things.
One was, and still is, to help others who are where I was, ‘to be the change I wished to see’-Gandhi. This drove my decision to go back to university, to study Health and Social Care, to gain experience and to hopefully make a difference to someone.
The other being my need to explore, I say need because that’s how it feels, like a ‘must do’ in every part of my being. A need for myself, nobody else but me, a need to see the world, or at least more of it. Conflicting with the first I began to see this as a selfish need, an unreliable, unpredictable answer and choice to make, and so I stuck with the first.
The more sensible, selfless and stable choice, providing a security whilst also fulfilling my desire to learn and grow. This is not to say I haven’t loved university, really I have. With my passion, knowledge and experience all growing, my urge to explore began to fade, or at least so I thought. I think a part of me somewhere was simply burying it with all that I was doing.
Like a seed under a pile of mud, the seed being my thirst for adventure, for searching both myself and this world, the mud being all my other side of me wants. Of course, much like a seed under a pile of mud, over time this has grown and I feel like out of nowhere I am left with a huge tree, if you are confused so am I, do not worry I shall leave this here.
Moving on, I feel as though I did not allow myself that time in 2015 to continue. Time to feel and experience all I needed to. To be me without anything else, and I guess time to be selfish.
But putting ourselves first should not be seen as selfish, in fact I think it is something to be proud of. To be not only aware of what you need for you but allowing yourself the opportunity to have it (or at least try), whatever it may be.
As I finish university and my journey continues I am deciding to allow myself the opportunity to be feel what I felt back in 2015. To allow myself to take a different path, even if it is a little unreliable and unpredictable.
For now, I say that because as I have learnt life is very much unpredictable– finally feeling okay and actually excited about that. I will be going to work in an American summer camp possibly traveling after my time at camp, before hopefully moving on to see a little more of the world.
I am posting this here because I shall be documenting my journey from now until I leave, maybe whilst out there and of course once home. I was thinking about ‘vlogging’ but it would seem I am far too awkward, so let’s say I will stick to writing and anything else will be a bonus.
If you have any suggestions, tips or advice please do let me know.